How to hold a hamburger properly.

Have you ever been watching a fast food commercial and wondered why paid actors can’t hold hamburgers like normal people. It’s makes me laugh every time I see it. Holding a hamburger can be considered a science, and the directors of these commercials must have failed science in school. When you consider how many different burgers are available, technique may vary from one to another, but should never resemble what I see in these ads. So I have decided to give a few pointers on the do’s and dont’s of how to properly hold a hamburger, without looking like a paid actor.

This guy above has it all wrong. Poking at the bun with his weak little fingers. Giving no support at all to the contents inside. This hamburger doesn’t stand a chance. And look at his face, he looks like he’s reminiscing about an old girlfriend, maybe Wendy was her name.
A few tips I could give him would be: 1. They make burgers to fit in the palm of your hand, so use your palms, not just the fingertips. It’ll help keep your burger from sliding and shifting, and less things will fall out of it. 2. Use your fingers to stop the patty from sliding to the opposite end of the side you are eating. 3. Concentrate. Pay attention, no daydreaming about a world where we all hold burgers like a-holes.

This guy here knows a bit better. He still has a lot to learn about hand position, but I really admire his aggression and complete disregard for table manners and the opinions of others. He’s getting awfully close to the desired u shape that your hands should be in. When your hands are c shaped, it’s not natural. Just try it now without a burger. U shaped I could keep my hands like that all day, C shaped my hands cramp up and get tired. Most people would say his girlfriend is looking disgusted because he’s being a slob. I disagree, she’s probly thinking either that she can’t enjoy her salad as much as he’s enjoying his burger, or why the hell is he holding it like that, what am I doing with him, will our kids hold burgers like an a-hole too.

This isn’t rocket science. I want to hit this guy. Pinky and index under, middle and ring over? Eyes crossed. I hate to use an already overused Internet word, but here goes. FAIL!

I looked on google for a half hour looking for one picture of a proper burger holding technique, this is the best I could find. Folks, an infant can do it right. Why can’t we. This kids got all the right ideas. Full contact with the hand. Fingers, palms, the whole thing. The use of both hands is a must, but at least this kid has one hand right, which is more than I can say about the others.

So I guess I didn’t give as many pointers as I thought. The only thing I ask is that the next time you grab a burger, ask yourself a few times while you are eating “do I look like a moron?” if you answer yes, put the burger down and order something else. God put napkins here for a reason. Get your hands dirty you nancy boy. Think of it as a sport. You get points if nothing falls out and the coach doesn’t care if your uniform gets dirty. Do you remember the saying to dance like nobody is watching. Same thing applies here. Eat like you just don’t give a damn.

Pictures all courtesy of google images.